Basic Spanish Course

Class 1: Have you got what it takes?

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Transcript of class: 5 Reasons why you should learn Spanish.

  • 1. CAREER: Speaking another language is great for your resumé (CV).
  • 2. BRAIN: Cognitive benefits: improved memory and mental agility.
  • 3. MIND: The effort it takes to become will deprogram the lazy habits you’ve got into.
  • 4. CONSCIOUSNESS: Increased cultural awareness and ability to communicate.
  • 5. STATUS: Being bilingual is attractive and increases people’s respect for you.

 5 good reasons why learning Spanish is a great idea.

Class 1: Welcome to KIXUR

As I stand looking around this virtual classroom, all I see are the 4 Ss: slackers, snowflakes, sissies and stoners – the wishy washy personality types which our failing education system – indeed our whole culture – seems designed to produce. Already your little snowflake mind rebels at a teacher attacking you personally…and you’re thinking about…‘my rights’… ‘my dignity’… Well guess what, shit for brains, in this school you don’t have no rights or dignity until you earn them by achieving the goals of this course: namely, to go from being a monolingual dufus to a bilingual, fluent in Spanish, slick motherfucker.

Now, you may be asking yourself what’s the connection to being soft and to learning Spanish, so let me tell you: that what the slackers and stoners share in common is a difficulty in surmounting and executing challenges over a protracted period of time. Let’s face it: your idea of the long haul is watching three seasons of Game of Thrones back to back…and the extent of your focus is about as long as it takes to smoke a joint or jerk off to internet porn…and that’s on a good day.

Learning Spanish is the battlefield upon which you will face and overcome the weakness which your namby pamby upbringing has instilled in you. Over the course of 12 weeks you will follow my instructions down to the last letter and you will prove that despite your immersion in convenience culture, virtual living and constant consumption, that you are a different type of S: a Spartan.

Not only will this process make you stronger, but learning a language will also put some meat on your resume…(curriculum vitae CV). Where the fuck is Jones? Jones?


“Yes, sir.”

“This resumé is a disgrace: your list of felonies is longer than your qualifications.”


You knuckleheads don’t seem to have worked out that we’re living in difficult times, and unfortunately… competition in the 21st century labour market is only gonna increase. Whatever your desired job, you are in a Darwinian struggle for that job: could be your neighbour, could be a Chinaman…could be a Goddamn robot…but one thing’s for sure, someone’s got their eyes on your take-home, and that’s why we’re gonna increase your value as a worker. Becoming fluent in Spanish is one of the fastest ways to increase that value…and it’s one fuck of a lot cheaper than an MBA.

Now, probably I made you laugh with my comment about the Chinaman…that was intentional…but let’s get something clear: this course is not fun and I am not funny and you’ve already seen the greatest extent of my comic potential. I had to pay a consultant to come up with the Chinaman joke because the well of my humour is as dry as the asshole of a Saudi Arabian rentboy. And their asses are not dry cos of all that sand but because engaging in homosexual acts is illegal in that country. You see…that’s how bad my sense of humour is: I make a joke and end up explaining Islamic law. So you get my point: this course ain’t gonna be fun…because learning a language is not fun…and any teacher that tells you otherwise doesn’t know anything about learning languages.

Speaking a language…now that’s fun: when you are fluent in Spanish we’re gonna talk about life, love and God. But this part of the course – Basic Spanish – sucks. It sucks like a baby on a tit…except what’s coming out of the tit isn’t milky goodness but exercises on the present subjunctive. Don’t believe me? Subscribe to that learning is fun, philosophy? Well ask yourself this: if learning a language is fun, how many times you heard anyone say: “Hey…you wanna come over my house on Friday night and do some language learning?”


So, forget any idea that the next twelve weeks are gonna be fun. They aren’t, because that’s the way shit goes. Whether you’re a trainee lawyer memorizing past cases or a trainee doctor memorizing then names of bones for anatomy, every subject and every skill has a whole load of boring shit and language learning’s no different. The boring part is the minor suffering you must pass through to gain the major boost of being fluent in another language. So it’s time to pull your mobile addicted, Facebook lobotomised head out of the internet, and get down to some old-school studying because I’m gonna transform you into a bilingual badass. Do you understand?

I said…”Do you understand?”

Student: Yes, sir!

Say it louder!

Student: Yes, sir!

Now repeat our first phrase:


“Señor, no quiero ser un puto pringado…quiero hablar español.”

Which means…

“Sir, I don’t want to be a fucking sucker…I want to speak Spanish.”

And now’s probably a good time to tell you that if you’re offended by the use of swear words then I suggest that you don’t bother learning Spanish or going to Spain. Spaniards swear a lot…young people, old people, shopkeepers, priests, policeman everyone…so…get over it. Now, let’s cut that sentence into two manageable parts…


“Señor, no quiero ser:  Sir,I don’t want to be”…

“Un puto pringado – a fucking sucker”

So, now that we have a sentence, it’s time to start learning about the Spanish language.

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